Its my body not yours.

im skinny.

yes im aware of that.

i have minimal fat around my body and i look like a skeleton.

im bony

i have no tits

i have no ass

yes im aware im skinny

im aware that everytime i eat i dont. gain. weight.

you dont need to point it out.

you dont need to touch my arms and comment on how small they are

you dont need to poke my boobs and comment on the fact that they genuinely dont exist

you dont need to comment on the fact that my ass is flat

i

am

aware

and it annoys me.

you may think you’re doing me a favour by telling me to ‘go eat a burger’ or to stop working out so much

let me tell you. i have never stepped foot inside a gym nor have i ever worked out

i dont run

i dont do sports

i am extremely fucking lazy

i am skinny and i know that so please stop pointing it out.

but also, just because im aware im skinny doesnt make me feel fat

it doesnt stop me from thinking i need to work out and i need to go on a diet

it doesnt stop me from thinking that everyone else around me is much skinnier than i am and im the elephant in the crowd around me.

just because i know im skinny doesnt stop me from thinking im fat.

so stop telling me to go eat more because it makes me want to eat less.

so stop telling me my chest is flat because i know in my mind that it isnt

please, stop pointing out things about my body that are blatantly obvious

i. know. my. own. body.

so please

mind your own business

its my body not yours.

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how im feeling

its july 11th 2018

im in my room. on my bed.

im currently watching conan gray.

how am i feeling? i asked myself that today.

ive been feeling pretty nostalgic recently, ive been a bit not there in a way if you get what i mean. ive been thinking about the past and my childhood and what being happy and content ment when i was younger.

ive been thinking of when my family wasnt so broken

when i had a group of friends i would regularly talk to and hang out with

when everything wasnt so stressful

when i didnt have to worry about grades, people and reputations

ive been thinking of how great it felt to be so small and so vulnerable yet it felt so great to know i had to explore the world to understand everything

ive been thinking about how great it would be to just be free of school and work and life and how amazing it would be to just drive a car down a long road and listen to music and just write and create things in the middle of knowhere

i want to feel happy. i want to feel content with myself and who i am

but thats just not how i feel right now

im angry, and sad and scared and afraid and lonely and bored and worrried and just not put together.

how do i feel?

i feel confused with myself and the world around me.

It’s ok.

It’s ok to be upset.

It’s ok to feel sad.

It’s ok to have a mental disorder.

It’s ok to feel like absolute shit.

It’s ok to distant yourself from people.

It’s ok to not feel 100%.

It’s ok.

People beat themselves up over the tiniest of things and I do too and it’s ok.

Everyone goes through things and as hard as it may seem we all go through extremely similar things and everyone has at least one thing in common

It’s ok to be the quiet one.

It’s ok to be different.

It’s ok to not like certain things.

It’s ok to like a certain person.

It’s ok to have someone in your head.

It’s ok.

And you’ll always be ok even if you don’t feel like you are.

Everyone goes through something hard, they go through something they don’t think they can get out of and it’s ok to think that

You don’t always have to be perfect and you don’t always have to be 100% all the time and you don’t have to be ok either

But it’s ok.

I just want the people that take the time to actually read these that I’m not always a happy person, I’m not always positive and I’m never perfect and I’m aware that it’s ok for me to be like that.

I know that I can get through things and I have and I’ve come so far since the start of this year but I still have a long way to go and I want to just put it out there that it’s ok to feel sad and to not want to do anything but eat pasta and lay in bed all day cos I feel like that too- like all the fucking time

It. Is. Ok. To. Feel. Like. Shit.

You are loved, you are cared for, and most importantly you are fucking strong as hell

Dear stranger

Dear stranger.

You harassed me today

You and your friends.

You sat on that bus and mocked me, you talked about me loud enough for me to hear because that’s what you wanted

You talked about how you wanted to bash my head in and the fact that I have no friends and everyone hates me

You talked about fighting me for 10 minutes straight

You talked about smashing my glasses

About how I deserved to be bashed

You just sat there and laughed at me while I sat on that bus a few metres away from you wishing you weren’t talking about me

I was hoping that maybe it was someone else

That maybe another person with my name had glasses too

That maybe I was just too paranoid or anxious and that I was just imagining things

But i wasn’t.

I got up to get off that bus

And what you said confused me

I didn’t know who you were

What your name was

What school you went to

I had never met you in my life nor talked to you

Yet you proceeded to call me a slut as I walked off that bus

You laughed as you said it like I was just a big walking joke

Like I didn’t matter to anyone

You just said a stupid word

But it’s been replaying in my mind all day

That one moment you said it, over and over and over again

You’ve fucked up my mind

And I still don’t know who you are

But yet here I am writing this about you.

Talking about something that happened in a timeframe of 10 minutes on a Monday afternoon

And I don’t know who you are.

Dear stranger

Bullying is a terrible thing that noone should be subjected to, so stop

Sincerely Jacinta.

Dear ‘him’

Hey.

It’s raining, I’m sick and im loosing my voice.

I’ve been pretty distant from people and I keep pushing people away

It’s mainly because of one person. They’ve fucked up my brain and they keep me from thinking things and they’ve put senarios in my head during situations and it’s just not healthy

Let’s start from the beginning

I’m not popular.

People don’t like me.

I have trouble at school and in social settings but it’s fine

I occasionally meet people and they make me feel good

This person made me feel special and they were my best friend for a while.

They made me feel safe and I was happy around them

But then they left, they vanished from my life and left a giant dent in me

They did something to me that has left me with trust issues and that has made me push people away

But the thing is the people that know them think of me as that girl that dated him

People refer to me as his ex, his playtoy, a girl he once had but doesn’t want anymore

He left a dent in me and recently it’s become bigger

Someone introduced me as *his name*’s ex and all of a sudden without them knowing my actual name they knew who I was,

I had never met these people, I had no clue who any of them were and it frustrated me

It annoyed me

To them I was just something he used

Something he got rid of when he was bored.

Yet they all knew me and I had no clue who they were.

I don’t want to be known like that, I don’t want to be introduced like that

I am my own person

I have feelings

I have a personality

And I have a name.

Dear ‘him’

Next time if you’re gonna exit my life like you did, don’t enter it in the first place.

Sincerely, Jacinta

Perfection

Perfection.

Different people associate different things with the word perfection

For example someone could think a person was perfect but another could think an object was perfect. Perfection is a complicated word and although it’s used all the time, it’s not used enough. In a relationship someone could be waiting for that one word, and that one word could be the thing saving them from breaking apart. But sometimes it isn’t said. And those people do break. Perfection is one of those things people need and crave. People crave that perfect child, that perfect relationship and that perfect life but that perfection doesn’t always come and they’re left waiting for it to hit them and they’re waiting, just waiting for someone to say that one word. But when it does come, they’re happy, and although they’re happy the perfection doesn’t last long and they’re left waiting again.

Perfection is like trust.

One day you have it, then an hour or so later it’s gone, and you’re wondering what happened and where it went.

——————

Hey,

I’m back.

I haven’t written anything lately that I’ve felt was good to publish but some topics have come up recently that I want to write about.

While you’re waiting for those here’s a short story I guess (I don’t know what you’d call it( my English teacher described it as a start to a monologue maybe) idk but I wrote this in class today and I felt like sharing it.

I’ll be writing more and I’m going to try and not write them all at 12am out of anger and frustration cos they’ll probably end up better but I just wanna thank everyone that actually takes the time to read these and takes the time to message me on Instagram to tell me what they’ve liked about my posts and how they thank me for speaking up about things 💞

Dear reader

Self love.

Self love is a thing everyone struggles with

You can’t hate yourself one day and be totally in love with yourself and your body the next, it takes time.

I myself struggle with self love

An issue of mine is I tend to compare myself to others, it’s a toxic habit and I know I need to stop but I can’t

Self love and comparison to others and just positivity itself is a major issue

I know that myself I’m not comfortable with my body and when I am I get put down by others

But another issue of mine is I listen to those others I take those opinions they have and I absorb them as my own

I live and breath through others opinions and it is a terrible habit

Recently I’ve started meditating I’ve downloaded an app and I’ve set an alarm and a reminder for the same time every day

I tend to set it right after I get off work and I’m finally home so that time I’m stressing and anxious wether it be a bad day at work or something happened at school I can block it out and focus on myself

For those looking to find a way to feel peace in themselves or those who can’t seem to find a good video/audio or app to meditate to I suggest headspace

The app has a section where you meditate daily and it tracks how much you meditate, it has 3 settings; 2 minutes, 5 minutes and 10 minutes

For those just starting out I suggest 2 or maybe 5 but if you’re having a stressful day and you feel extremely anxious and upset I suggest 10 minutes

The app helps you feel at peace with yourself and very calm

It helps a lot when you’re having panic/anxiety attacks and sometimes I tend to use it at school when I feel extremely panicky or I have a test next period

Self love is a difficult thing to grasp but it can be achieved and you can love yourself, even just a little bit.

Dear reader

You are loved, you are amazing, you are you

Sincerely Jacinta.

-Disclaimer-

-this post was in no way sponsored by headspace whatsoever 💘